The Most Embarrassing Thing I've Done All Week

After work I went over to the gym to get in a workout and miss traffic simultaneously. I was somewhat excited because I just bought a swim suit the other day so I could try swimming laps as a form of cardio instead of the normal treadmill type stuff I've been doing. I went into the locker room and donned my new trunks, put my glasses in my locker, grabbed my towel and went to the pool. I haven't been swimming in I don't know how long, and I must say...I don't remember it being this hard. By my sixth lap I was exhausted, but made it to the other side of the pool and somehow managed to only swallow three good mouthfuls of pool water on the way. I got out feeling disoriented and slightly sick, grabbed my towel and began to dry off a bit.

Now remember, I left my glasses in my locker, and without them I'm more or less like Velma in the Scooby-Doo cartoons. So I wander into the locker room and make it to the shower area when I start to wonder why the showers are suddenly on the opposite side from where they usually are. I pause for a moment and try and figure this one out when it hits me.

I was in the women's locker room.

Not only was I in the women's locker room, I was in the women's shower area. I spin around and as stealthily and quickly as a pervert ninja I disappear back through the doorway and slink around the corner into the MEN'S locker room. Wondering how they were going to tell me that my membership is revoked for peeping in on the ladies, I changed into my normal workout clothes and walked out onto the floor like nothing happened. I half expected to see a number of women talking frantically with the muscled up trainers and then all turn and point at me as I came out. Luckily, this scenario never came up, and as far as I know nobody saw my blunder. I'm able to live to embarrass myself another day.

The Age Old Question

I've been buying a lot of Molson Canadian beer lately, not only because it is delicious, but because they have been putting "would you rather" style questions on the labels. I pulled out a bottle when I got home this evening from a lousy day at work and immediately read the question that would make me ponder the answer for way longer than any query on a beer bottle should.

"Would you prefer to be a vampire or a werewolf?"

Lets think on this for a minute. What versions of these creatures of the night are we talking about? Is the vampire a hideous recluse like Nosferatu or a suave bachelor who gets the next door neighbors teenage girlfriend like in Fright Night? Do I mope around and go through my undead existence with nothing but sorrow and regret like an Anne Rice character, or do I live a rock n' roll lifestyle and start a gang of vampires with bitchin' hair and dangly earrings like the Lost Boys? Is there a young blonde girl skilled in the martial arts who will stake me as soon as I claw my way out of my grave, or do I get to shape shift into bats and wolves and shit?

Now lets weigh the werewolves. This is a slimmer category, to be sure. Am I going to lose all control and let the beast inside me take over when the moon is full so I wake up naked in the zoo with no fucking idea what happened the night before,
or can I change whenever the fuck I want to and I'd pretty much be the same as when I was human, only I'd be really good at basketball? Do I get to keep the enhanced hearing and sense of smell while I'm in human form? Does it hurt when I morph? In the movies it always looks like it hurts.

My answer to the question after much speculation is this.

It depends.

If we're talking Lost Boys, Fright Night, or Dracula, I'll take the vampire no question; but I'd choose the wolf over the other vamps. Even if I have to lock myself up for 3 or so nights of the month, at least I can live a semi-normal life otherwise. Besides, werewolves are mortal when it comes down to it. I'm not how well I would cope with immortality. Seems like blood would get wicked old after about a month. At least werewolves can get a cheeseburger or a decent steak when the craving hits.

This was all because of a beer label.

Five Questions

The wife was handed five questions from Mob and has asked me to formulate answers of my own here and let the world see them and judge me. Here goes...

1. What got you into the blog world in the first place; was it something you read about, did you know someone who did it, etc?

It would be a horrible lie to even try to say that I have a foot in the blog world. I wander in every few months with a post and hope that my wife tells people that I wrote something new. I would like to get into some sort of steady blogging rhythm, but right now I just really don't have the time or discipline to do so. Maybe after I start working closer to home...IF I ever start working closer to home.

2. What was the first film you bought with your own money to watch over and over again, be it on DVD, VHS, Betamax...and is it a film that you still like today?

The first film I ever owned was given as a Christmas gift...a VHS copy of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, for which I actually do still have a warm nostalgic place in my heart. The first one I bought with my own money, I believe, was The Nightmare Before Christmas. I still watch that one at least once a year and know all the songs by heart.

3. Since celebs always want to speak for the world about how we should be pitching in and saving the world, who would you choose to represent us the best?

Henry Rollins has a way of making a point in such a way that you kinda feel like an asshole if you disagree with him. He has a way with words like no other, and is physically intimidating enough to get the job done.

4. What do you think is the most unlikely comic-book to film translation, the one that no one will ever be able to translate properly? (No fair cheating and naming the existing ones that shouldn't have been made...)

I have two here.

Milk and Cheese is a brilliant comic book, but the content could never be a two hour long feature film.

The other is Lobo. In order to do a Lobo movie with any justice or accuracy, it would be too violent and gory to receive the R rating. In the comics I've seen him stuff a fat man feet first into a toilet until just his head is visible, remove a victim's jaw with his hook, and rip a guy's arm off and beat him with it. But, hey, they've been getting away with some fucked up shit in the movies these days, so who knows.

5. Tell me the type of music that you like least, then tell me the artist from that genre that you find the least annoying. The lesser of two evils, if you will

I have to agree with the wife and say that the modern R&B is the worst thing since Syphilis. I remember working at a music store and it blew my mind to see how many fans R Kelly had. That mother fucker is the most boring, every song is the damn same, makes me want to drill holes into my own head to drown out the music, no talent ass clown I have ever seen with a record deal. The one that I can tolerate the most off the top of my head would be Macy Gray. She's a pretty groovy lady with a smokey voice that I can almost get down with.

There you have it. I'll have a new blog in the next couple of months. Stay tooned!

How To Make A Monstrosity

In life, I expect a pretty good number of movies to be re-made. Some remakes are done pretty well, such as Dawn of the Dead, The Thing, The Fly, and The Birdcage.
Other films, such as The Fog, The Pink Panther, Planet of the Apes, and Psycho were re-made without reason, and the newer version becomes an abomination serving no purpose except to piss off an entire audience. If the original movie can't be improved upon in any way, then don't bother trying to make it again. Leave it the fuck alone.

I'm talking to you, Rob Zombie. I can't believe the audacity of this man, thinking doing a remake of Halloween is a good idea. If he is such a hard core fan of the genre, he of all people should know better than to go and fuck around with such a classic film. This is proof for me that Mr. Zombie doesn't have an original idea in his head when it comes to making movies.
House of 1,000 Corpses was a blatant rip-off of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and The Devil's Rejects was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I think I might know some people who will disagree with that last statement, but I'm sorry; the dialogue was shit ("I am the devil, and I do the devil's work.") and the "tutti-fuckin'-fruity" scene made me want to rip my eyes out and throw them at the screen. Fuck you, Rob Zombie. Fuck you in your stupid ass.

Not Even a Wedding Cake

This girl that works for us up at the store comes in to work the other week and announces that she got married the night before. She and her boyfriend had a shotgun wedding in front of the Justice of the Peace and made their vows to be together forever. She is 20 years old. Her husband is 18. Her husband is also still in fucking high school. Apparently not a whole lot fazes me anymore because all I said when I heard this was, "That's nice. Congratulations, I guess."



Skipping ahead a few weeks...

We get an application in the store from some guy looking for a part time cashier gig. One of our other managers looks it over and says, "I think this is whatshername's boyfriend or husband or whatever." Long story short, we can't hire the kid if his wife is working in the same building. I don't really think twice about it because his application kind of sucked anyways. A few days later she stops me and the following conversation takes place...

Her: "If Whatshisname can't work here, can he still apply at another location?
Me: "Hold on. Who are we talking about?"
Her: "My boyfriend."
Me: "Is he your boyfriend or your husband?"
Her: "Sorry. My husband. I still keep in the habit of calling him 'boyfriend' because my parents still don't know."
Me: "Are you serious? Don't you think your mom will be even more upset if she finds out you got married and have BEEN married for however long without telling her? I'd be pissed. Never mind. It's none of my business. Yes, he can apply at another store, but he can not work at this location."
Her: "Okay. I didn't know that was an issue since we don't live together."
Me: "..."

Crazy as a Fish

The other day the craziest most fucked up lady came in the store. I overheard her talking to a girl in our specialty department asking when we would get more betta fish in. I intervened and told her that we should get some in on Thursday and she proceeded to tell me...

"You know, I have a big tank with about twenty bettas inside. Male and female and they all get along. They play with each other all day and when they see me, they all swim to the top of the water and blow me kisses. Also, they all have names, and swim to the top when I call them by name. I'll put food in the water and they will sit there watching me and they won't start eating until I say 'okay'.
I also have a dragon fish, and when I put my hand in the water, it will swim over and lay in my palm so I can pet it. The only other fish that I have is a catfish that stays at the bottom, but when I call, 'here kitty, kitty', he swims up to the top to greet me."

I was watching her face while she spat all this out looking for a 'just kidding' wink or something. She was serious. After she left, I asked the employee if she had ever seen her before, and she said that she comes in more and more often. In fact, if they see her coming, they snatch up and hide the bettas because she always makes them change the water as she waits and watches, making sure we treat the fish with the proper care and respect. I also come to find out that she is convinced that her phone is tapped by the government so she doesn't use her phone anymore.

Ahhh, retail.

Wait, I'm not done.

After I fought the insanity from oozing into my own cerebral cortex, the phone rings and a customer is on the other end wanting to know if we have a certain patio dog door. I check in the back and tell him we do. He says he's on his way and I hang up. These patio doors are about eight feet tall and come in a cardboard box with about five tabs holding it shut. It's behind a few things, so I heft it over my head and carry it out to the middle of the backroom. As I'm moving it, I hear something inside that sounds to me like it might be broken and the pieces of glass are sliding around. I lay it down and undo the tabs. As I open the lid, no fewer than thirty roaches scatter in all directions.
They run left, right, over the lid, over my hands, EVERYWHERE! I stop myself from freaking the fuck out and drop the lid back shut. I compose myself long enough to call the other manager back to the backroom. He walks back and asks 'what's up?' "Watch this." I tell him, as I lift the lid again. Again, roaches scatter at the sight of the hideous light and the other manager screams, "Holy shit!" and starts stomping on the fuckers as fast as his feet would move. I join him until we were left with a graveyard of smooshed roach corpses. I've been in the mood to watch Creepshow ever since.

Hangin' on the corner of 52nd and Broadway

Let's see if I can get back into the regular blog world. I've been away for too long.

New York was bitchin'. For someone who has never traveled it was a very surreal place to go. There were so many landmarks and buildings that I have seen in movies and television that I was getting to see up close and personal like the restaurant that Jerry and friends would frequent in Seinfeld, Rockefeller Center, and the archway at Washington Park to name a few.


The idea that New Yorkers are mean is a misconception also. They were all really friendly. I witnessed a couple of guys give up their seat on the subway to women, doors were held open for you, and I even got a few apologies after being bumped. I have to admit that before going I kept picturing the episode of The Simpsons where Homer was recapping his one NY experience where he gets robbed by a thug, robbed by a cop, robbed by a seagull, then falls down a manhole and chased by C.H.U.D.s. Lady M's friend, Drew, said that it may have been bad ten years ago, but now it is a very safe city, especially after 9-11. Now if a lady gets her purse snatched on the street, ten other people will be there to tackle the guy.

This was also the first time that I met Drew. He has been one of Lady M's best friends for years and I have heard plenty about him, but now I finally got to put a face with the name. He played a perfect host to us and really went out of his way to make us comfortable and show us around the city. He is also filled with little random facts about the city that you won't find in the guidebooks that made the experience that much more fulfilling. He pointed out illegal cabs, one of the original subway stations that used to have crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling until they got stolen, and the grid in the middle of intersections that has the power to get your license suspended if you stop your car anywhere on it. Also, if it weren't for him, we would have spent half the time just looking for places and getting lost as the wife and I both have absolutely no sense of direction. We were able to see Battery Park, Wall Street, Ground Zero, Times Square, Washington Park, Little Italy, Chinatown, Central Park, FAO Schwartz, Trinity Church, St. Patrick's Cathedral, The Metropolitan Museum, Tiffany's, Rockefeller Center, we had coffee in Trump Tower, M took a picture of the Louis Vuitton building for Mob's wife, we bought hotdogs from a street vendor, had New York pizza, went to Anthony Bourdain's restaurant, looked at the apartments in the Upper East Side, went to Columbia University, saw a Broadway play, went to a cupcake shop that was made famous by Sex and the City, had brunch at the trendiest gay spot in NY, went to a pier overlooking Jersey and Hoboken, and went to a sex shop where a Bronx girl was more than willing to go into great detail about some of the toys.

After all that, we were still coming up with a list of stuff that we want to do next time. I still have to eat at the Soup Nazi's kitchen, dammit.