Crazy as a Fish
The other day the craziest most fucked up lady came in the store. I overheard her talking to a girl in our specialty department asking when we would get more betta fish in. I intervened and told her that we should get some in on Thursday and she proceeded to tell me...
"You know, I have a big tank with about twenty bettas inside. Male and female and they all get along. They play with each other all day and when they see me, they all swim to the top of the water and blow me kisses. Also, they all have names, and swim to the top when I call them by name. I'll put food in the water and they will sit there watching me and they won't start eating until I say 'okay'.
I also have a dragon fish, and when I put my hand in the water, it will swim over and lay in my palm so I can pet it. The only other fish that I have is a catfish that stays at the bottom, but when I call, 'here kitty, kitty', he swims up to the top to greet me."
I was watching her face while she spat all this out looking for a 'just kidding' wink or something. She was serious. After she left, I asked the employee if she had ever seen her before, and she said that she comes in more and more often. In fact, if they see her coming, they snatch up and hide the bettas because she always makes them change the water as she waits and watches, making sure we treat the fish with the proper care and respect. I also come to find out that she is convinced that her phone is tapped by the government so she doesn't use her phone anymore.
Ahhh, retail.
Wait, I'm not done.
After I fought the insanity from oozing into my own cerebral cortex, the phone rings and a customer is on the other end wanting to know if we have a certain patio dog door. I check in the back and tell him we do. He says he's on his way and I hang up. These patio doors are about eight feet tall and come in a cardboard box with about five tabs holding it shut. It's behind a few things, so I heft it over my head and carry it out to the middle of the backroom. As I'm moving it, I hear something inside that sounds to me like it might be broken and the pieces of glass are sliding around. I lay it down and undo the tabs. As I open the lid, no fewer than thirty roaches scatter in all directions.
They run left, right, over the lid, over my hands, EVERYWHERE! I stop myself from freaking the fuck out and drop the lid back shut. I compose myself long enough to call the other manager back to the backroom. He walks back and asks 'what's up?' "Watch this." I tell him, as I lift the lid again. Again, roaches scatter at the sight of the hideous light and the other manager screams, "Holy shit!" and starts stomping on the fuckers as fast as his feet would move. I join him until we were left with a graveyard of smooshed roach corpses. I've been in the mood to watch Creepshow ever since.
"You know, I have a big tank with about twenty bettas inside. Male and female and they all get along. They play with each other all day and when they see me, they all swim to the top of the water and blow me kisses. Also, they all have names, and swim to the top when I call them by name. I'll put food in the water and they will sit there watching me and they won't start eating until I say 'okay'.
I also have a dragon fish, and when I put my hand in the water, it will swim over and lay in my palm so I can pet it. The only other fish that I have is a catfish that stays at the bottom, but when I call, 'here kitty, kitty', he swims up to the top to greet me."
I was watching her face while she spat all this out looking for a 'just kidding' wink or something. She was serious. After she left, I asked the employee if she had ever seen her before, and she said that she comes in more and more often. In fact, if they see her coming, they snatch up and hide the bettas because she always makes them change the water as she waits and watches, making sure we treat the fish with the proper care and respect. I also come to find out that she is convinced that her phone is tapped by the government so she doesn't use her phone anymore.
Ahhh, retail.
Wait, I'm not done.
After I fought the insanity from oozing into my own cerebral cortex, the phone rings and a customer is on the other end wanting to know if we have a certain patio dog door. I check in the back and tell him we do. He says he's on his way and I hang up. These patio doors are about eight feet tall and come in a cardboard box with about five tabs holding it shut. It's behind a few things, so I heft it over my head and carry it out to the middle of the backroom. As I'm moving it, I hear something inside that sounds to me like it might be broken and the pieces of glass are sliding around. I lay it down and undo the tabs. As I open the lid, no fewer than thirty roaches scatter in all directions.
They run left, right, over the lid, over my hands, EVERYWHERE! I stop myself from freaking the fuck out and drop the lid back shut. I compose myself long enough to call the other manager back to the backroom. He walks back and asks 'what's up?' "Watch this." I tell him, as I lift the lid again. Again, roaches scatter at the sight of the hideous light and the other manager screams, "Holy shit!" and starts stomping on the fuckers as fast as his feet would move. I join him until we were left with a graveyard of smooshed roach corpses. I've been in the mood to watch Creepshow ever since.
posted by Corinthian at 6:41 PM
6 Comments:
Yummy roach story, and I love the fish lady, you should try to convince her that the fish are plotting against her in some way as well.
I picture her fish tank with about 20 dead fish floating in it but she is sooo crazy she sits there and talks to them, feeds them, and sticks her hand in the water to pet their fishy corpses.
Yikes. What a very special customer. XD
And the roaches!! I so would have thought of Creepshow, too.
There are way too many people in existance that are just like Fish Lady.
I would have totally screamed like a girly girl at the roaches. Oh my god.
Once upon a time, I had a retail job. The manager remarked to me once that he felt like we were on this island (we = people at this retail job). Waiting. The people who walked in the store were these unknown things that would wash up on the shore every day. They come in, they go out. Then new ones come in. Etc. I don't miss it.
ok soo.. i can get my animals to do weird shit, but stupid fish tricks. that is funny...
and SO i had a turtle that liked to sit in my lap. don't judge me!
Ha! The lady with the attentive and obedient beta collective living in glorious harmony really, really cracked me up. And I would've screamed like a prison bitch on his first day from the roaches. Seriously, you're a better man than I.
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