Crazy as a Fish

The other day the craziest most fucked up lady came in the store. I overheard her talking to a girl in our specialty department asking when we would get more betta fish in. I intervened and told her that we should get some in on Thursday and she proceeded to tell me...

"You know, I have a big tank with about twenty bettas inside. Male and female and they all get along. They play with each other all day and when they see me, they all swim to the top of the water and blow me kisses. Also, they all have names, and swim to the top when I call them by name. I'll put food in the water and they will sit there watching me and they won't start eating until I say 'okay'.
I also have a dragon fish, and when I put my hand in the water, it will swim over and lay in my palm so I can pet it. The only other fish that I have is a catfish that stays at the bottom, but when I call, 'here kitty, kitty', he swims up to the top to greet me."

I was watching her face while she spat all this out looking for a 'just kidding' wink or something. She was serious. After she left, I asked the employee if she had ever seen her before, and she said that she comes in more and more often. In fact, if they see her coming, they snatch up and hide the bettas because she always makes them change the water as she waits and watches, making sure we treat the fish with the proper care and respect. I also come to find out that she is convinced that her phone is tapped by the government so she doesn't use her phone anymore.

Ahhh, retail.

Wait, I'm not done.

After I fought the insanity from oozing into my own cerebral cortex, the phone rings and a customer is on the other end wanting to know if we have a certain patio dog door. I check in the back and tell him we do. He says he's on his way and I hang up. These patio doors are about eight feet tall and come in a cardboard box with about five tabs holding it shut. It's behind a few things, so I heft it over my head and carry it out to the middle of the backroom. As I'm moving it, I hear something inside that sounds to me like it might be broken and the pieces of glass are sliding around. I lay it down and undo the tabs. As I open the lid, no fewer than thirty roaches scatter in all directions.
They run left, right, over the lid, over my hands, EVERYWHERE! I stop myself from freaking the fuck out and drop the lid back shut. I compose myself long enough to call the other manager back to the backroom. He walks back and asks 'what's up?' "Watch this." I tell him, as I lift the lid again. Again, roaches scatter at the sight of the hideous light and the other manager screams, "Holy shit!" and starts stomping on the fuckers as fast as his feet would move. I join him until we were left with a graveyard of smooshed roach corpses. I've been in the mood to watch Creepshow ever since.

Hangin' on the corner of 52nd and Broadway

Let's see if I can get back into the regular blog world. I've been away for too long.

New York was bitchin'. For someone who has never traveled it was a very surreal place to go. There were so many landmarks and buildings that I have seen in movies and television that I was getting to see up close and personal like the restaurant that Jerry and friends would frequent in Seinfeld, Rockefeller Center, and the archway at Washington Park to name a few.


The idea that New Yorkers are mean is a misconception also. They were all really friendly. I witnessed a couple of guys give up their seat on the subway to women, doors were held open for you, and I even got a few apologies after being bumped. I have to admit that before going I kept picturing the episode of The Simpsons where Homer was recapping his one NY experience where he gets robbed by a thug, robbed by a cop, robbed by a seagull, then falls down a manhole and chased by C.H.U.D.s. Lady M's friend, Drew, said that it may have been bad ten years ago, but now it is a very safe city, especially after 9-11. Now if a lady gets her purse snatched on the street, ten other people will be there to tackle the guy.

This was also the first time that I met Drew. He has been one of Lady M's best friends for years and I have heard plenty about him, but now I finally got to put a face with the name. He played a perfect host to us and really went out of his way to make us comfortable and show us around the city. He is also filled with little random facts about the city that you won't find in the guidebooks that made the experience that much more fulfilling. He pointed out illegal cabs, one of the original subway stations that used to have crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling until they got stolen, and the grid in the middle of intersections that has the power to get your license suspended if you stop your car anywhere on it. Also, if it weren't for him, we would have spent half the time just looking for places and getting lost as the wife and I both have absolutely no sense of direction. We were able to see Battery Park, Wall Street, Ground Zero, Times Square, Washington Park, Little Italy, Chinatown, Central Park, FAO Schwartz, Trinity Church, St. Patrick's Cathedral, The Metropolitan Museum, Tiffany's, Rockefeller Center, we had coffee in Trump Tower, M took a picture of the Louis Vuitton building for Mob's wife, we bought hotdogs from a street vendor, had New York pizza, went to Anthony Bourdain's restaurant, looked at the apartments in the Upper East Side, went to Columbia University, saw a Broadway play, went to a cupcake shop that was made famous by Sex and the City, had brunch at the trendiest gay spot in NY, went to a pier overlooking Jersey and Hoboken, and went to a sex shop where a Bronx girl was more than willing to go into great detail about some of the toys.

After all that, we were still coming up with a list of stuff that we want to do next time. I still have to eat at the Soup Nazi's kitchen, dammit.