Ball N' Chain

I am officially married now. I am a husband. I have a wife. I can now say things like, "I'm waiting for my wife", "Let me ask the wife", "The wife won't let me", and "It's the wife's fault." Let me run down the past week for you.

Saturday, the day of the wedding, I get up, do a few minor touchings up around the house as we are going to be having a wedding in the living room in the next few hours. The things on my list of things to do this day are take Lady M's friend, Nell, to go get a costume, pick up the boar meat from our friend in Lewisville, and come back and get hitched. Easy enough.

I get Kiwi Derek and Nell in the car and we go off to the Halloween store to find her costume. We go in and it's an absolute mad house. Nell is overwhelmed by the selection of costumes to be had. I guess in Canada they don't take Halloween as seriously as we do. As we are browsing around Derek and I are commenting on the women's costumes, in that all the costumes for the ladies were slutty as hell. Slutty Alice in Wonderland, slutty Red Riding Hood, slutty nurse, slutty devil, etc. God forbid a woman wants to wear something that covers her ass on this holiday. Derek looks over and sees that the wait to check out is getting to be longer than a Six Flags roller coaster line so he jumps in to save a spot while she finds something. I go find Nell to see how she's doing. She wanted a Cleopatra style costume but couldn't find anything on a budget so I suggest she get something with wings. They have plenty of slutty fairy costumes, after all. We find a Tinkerbell outfit that works to her satisfaction just as Derek gets to the head of the line. She pays and we go. They are starving, so we stop at a Sonic as they had both never been. No Sonics in Canada or New Zealand? Weird. Nell is stunned that she can get a breakfast burrito at 1:00 in the afternoon and Derek takes full advantage of their milkshake selection. I, on the other hand, can't eat as my stomach is starting to get an army of butterflies in it. They finish eating and we jump in the car to go to Lewisville. In good traffic, this entire trip to get the food should take about two hours. We get there around 3:00 and Brandon is just finishing up. He did a fantastic job and went above and beyond what I was expecting, especially since he had his own Halloween bash going on later that evening that he had to get ready for. We get the food loaded up and find out that we have to make a stop at Wal Mart to get some burner things to keep the food warm. This pleases Nell because she needs to find some stockings for her costume and we should also pick up some ice now that we're thinking about it. We race off as time is getting to be an issue. Traffic was good except for the bed that had fallen off somebody's truck and exploded as it hit the street. Luckily, only smart people were driving that day and it wasn't an issue to get around. We get a call from Lady M asking us to pick up her friends Michael and Emily on the way back. It's on the way, so we swing by, they cram in, and we are off to Wall Mart. The place is worse than the costume store. Bastard kids crying in the middle of aisles, worthless employees standing in your way, huge lines at every register with cashiers that don't give a fuck about anything. I can't blame them, though, I'd be acting the same way for $5.75 an hour. We split up to get the shit faster and we meet up in the hunting section. They don't have the burner things we came for. It is now less than a hour before I'll be saying my vows. I start to panic a little. Luckily I had four people there with clear heads to help me through it. They suggested we just keep the food in the oven and it'll stay warm and everything will be fine. We go to the checkout line and slowly get through. We get to the house with about twenty minutes till the wedding starts so I can pay the Reverend, get changed, throw up, and get married.

I fight through the crowd of family and friends wishing I had time to greet them properly, and open the drawer to find the marriage license to find it's not there. I am two seconds away from seriously freaking out. After a few minutes of digging, the Reverend tells me to worry about it later and to get changed. Mob and Rob join me in the spare bedroom to help me get dressed as Derek runs back and forth from us to the master bedroom where Lady M is getting ready gathering bits and pieces of my costume until it is complete. We run out and begin the ceremony. I'm worried that I'll miss my cue to say something as my train of thought is something like, "Pretty girl in front of me. People staring at me. Kid playing with a pumpkin. This guy is talking about love. Did I eat anything today? Pay attention. What was that about the rings?" The whole thing was over about that quick. After the vows and rings and kissing we got to tend to the guests. I run around and greet everyone that I wasn't able to before. I find my mother and tell her that we can't find the license to which she tells me that they found it and are filling it out as we speak. That was the last of my worries. I am free to enjoy the evening.

I'll get into the honeymoon later. This filled up more space than I thought. Thanks to everyone who helped and attended. To those that couldn't make it, there will be pictures soon.